Confused Mind

It’s been a long time since the last time I cried while leaving my hometown. Until junior year of college, I used to cry in the bus and covered my face with pashmina full of snot for years. But, last night I was crying, again, and my runny nose need tissue, and my eyes need it too. It was the tears because I know that I’m not going home for a long time in my entire life.

I keep thinking about this big step that night and now while my tears drop down in my pillow. Why should I go find a job far away from home… And like the entire universe conspires to add more guilt, I watched this Bolt movie on TV when I just arrived at my rent room. That show made me remembering my happy time with my kittens. Those silly tears come fall again.

I know that there’s still so much opportunity to work in my hometown, so why would I choose this job…
I have a dream of becoming a mayor of my town, but this job is not in line with that dream…
Mother promised me a car if I work at my hometown, why would I declined…
I can go anywhere without getting stuck in traffic, why moved to one of the most crowded place in the world…
I can afford a house with normal price in my hometown, why work my ass off to afford a small one…

It’s all started when I got accepted in that yellow campus, one of the top three universities, with major that I have no idea with.
Originally, me and my family targeted that I would got accepted at local university, but I didn’t pass. Instead, I got accepted in that yellow campus. Even though I have no idea with major that I took, I enjoyed it, proud about it, and started to know that it is one of the most important major in real life job. Then the life goes on, getting a job here, getting many friends here, and getting boyfriend here.

The latter one is the reason.

Maybe I shouldn’t have put that one as my reason to work here, for we didn’t know where destiny guides us. Better I put in my mind that the reason why I got accepted in that campus, got accepted in that institution, is the best path chosen by God for me. Alhamdulillah. I should be grateful since not everyone could get those opportunities to study in one of the best campus in Indonesia and work at that government institution. I should remove all those negative thoughts and replace it with the positive ones.

So what are the positive ones?

More entertainments, more friends, wide range of public transportation, more communities, and I still searching for the other ones…

Quit working, take a notariat program, go home and open an office.

Damn. Negative thoughts. Damn.


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